2020 Was Tough But So Are We: End of year reflection
Top five lessons learned in 2020 and how it helped me find myself
It was the first week of February. I remember being at work in the Financial District and discussing with coworkers the news of a new strain of the flu virus that was causing a health-care crisis in China. We imagined the possibility of the virus spreading to New York City. It seemed far-fetched. Little did we know that only three weeks later our lives would change.
Over the course of those three weeks, our sidebar conversations were getting closer and closer to home. By the first week of March, we learned the virus had been reported in New York City, which kicked off a chain of events that transformed our working styles and personal lives.
First, we all became obsessed with hand sanitizer — buying jugs of it and storing them at our desk. We thought folks who had started wearing masks, before the CDC guidelines, were over doing it.
By the second week in March, we received the first announcement from work that — due to the virus — we had to work from home. I was excited about the idea. However, I was also nervous about working in a one bedroom apartment that I currently shared with my little brother. He had just moved to the city around that time and was in the process of finding a job.
The first month of working from home was tough! My little brother and I fought often as we tried to adjust to each other in a tiny space. I was working all the time and he had just moved to the city with no job, so I felt it was my duty to push him. New York City was in complete lockdown with nowhere to go except grocery stores, walking for some fresh air or running. We had minimal escape from each other.
Over several months, I slowly found my rhythm. It helped that my little brother later found a job and moved out. More importantly, I learned so much about myself, some of it painfully. As the year comes to end, I would like to reflect on 2020 and share the top 5 lessons I learned — not just through the lens of all the hardships, but also through one of appreciation and gratitude.
“If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
If you recognize that quote, yes, it is by the famous RuPaul.
I have heard different variations of this saying, and for many years I have claimed to be a practitioner of it. I now realize that was all a lie. Not a lie as in being a fraud, but a lie because I misunderstood the depth and meaning of the saying. It is not just about finding confidence in yourself but also prioritizing self-care and wellbeing above all else. And no year has taught me this better than 2020.
I have always been someone who liked to please others and do things for social graces. This behavior has placed me in some very uncomfortable situations in friendships and in dating. With the angst of COVID, it became even more prominent as I realized how much I truly did not spend time with myself but, rather, focused on helping others and constantly looking outward for attention, validation, and a need to be seen and belong. I am someone who feels the loneliest when out at a bar, even while surrounded by people, because it is just an attempted distraction. When I go out and no one pays me any attention, it triggers my abandonment issues and reaches to my self-doubts and insecurities about belonging.
COVID amplified a lot of these feelings, but I thought I could overcome that
through running and spending some time working out. That routine did not last long as the death of Ahmaud Arbery and the constant reminder of police brutality through social media had me in a state I have never experienced before.
The cumulative impact of high stress at work, being stuck at home, abandonment issues sparking up, the death of Ahmaud and George Floyd, amongst other issues, led me to start having high anxiety. I could not even leave my house to go running nor did I want to spend time with people. I recall how just the thought of social engagement had me feeling intense, heart rate going up, and sometimes vomiting in extreme cases. I knew I needed help and so I began my search for a therapist.
Like most folks, 2020 pushed me towards seeking therapy and working on myself in a way I never had before. Though the journey is still young, I have been learning and discovering so much about myself. I am prioritizing my self-care and goals rather than doing things to please others. Also, I am getting better at articulating my needs in relationships. I still have much work to do, but I could not foresee myself taking the journey I am on right now if it were not for the pandemic. Sometimes the best way to grow is to go through the fire and realize self-love is not just about building the confidence to be yourself. It is also about allowing yourself the space to prioritize your own wellbeing. As the flight attendants say before your flight takes off: “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.”
I AM ENOUGH! (And so ARE YOU!)
For a long time I thought if I made more money, had a lucrative job, sounded intelligent and built myself as a renaissance man, then I would be happy. Blinded by ambition and the need to belong, I felt I needed to always chase the next thing to feel a sense of fulfillment. However, 2020 broke down a lot of that construct for me. It was a painful process of being alone and realizing that “I am enough”. I came to understand how much joy has been robbed from me by constantly comparing myself to others. I wanted to have what I thought others had that brought them joy. This manifested in many ways. For example, I would find myself examining different friends’ lives who were in similar age and career like myself. I wondered why I did not have what seemed like perfect relationships and career achievements. A few simple moments this year with friends and family made me realize I am loved and already have what I need. If you are like me, take this moment to pause, and say to yourself “I am enough”.
Do Not Take Your Loved Ones for Granted
As of now, more than 330,000 uncles, aunties, moms, dads, and grandparents in the U.S. have been lost this year to COVID. I have been blessed and privileged to not have lost anyone to COVID. Listening to the many stories online about families impacted and losing loved ones has made me appreciate the love I have in my life. Pre-COVID, I would complain about those family times, the annoyance of being home as an adult and still having to adhere to your parent’s rules. I remember getting annoyed by discussions with siblings and wanting to escape.
I have come to have a special appreciation of my family and the bonds that have become enriched because we have been forced by the pandemic to be more intentional. Like my family, I have found myself being more intentional with the time I spent with friends. The COVID lockdowns canceled out the noise and we’ve now had to learn about each other much more deeply, including who we are in relation to each other and discovering new parts of ourselves.
Kindness & Love are free. Try to spread as much of it as possible
More than ever, the hardships of 2020 have taught us the importance of kindness — from the medical professionals making sacrifices so we can be saved to stories of folks checking in on their neighbors and providing free meals on the street to those whose income were impacted by COVID shutdowns. For me, I made sure to share in simple ways with my neighbors. I wrote personalized Thanksgiving and Christmas notes, checked in on them and wished them well. I made sure I was having intentional check ins with friends on how they were feeling. All of that effort did not cost me much, but was of much value to them. Kindness and love cost you nothing. As we go into 2021, let’s continue to spread love & kindness.
The things that really matter in life are the in between moments
Throughout the pandemic, I have realized that in discussions with friends and family we mostly talk about missing the small moments. I mean the small things we take for granted over time due to routine and operating on cruise control. I remember my commute to work took about 40 minutes. During that time, I would listen to a new podcast episode, do some reading or sometimes, honestly, people watch. Those moments in between my house and work were serene and one of the most tuned in moments with myself. I never thought much of it, and I took those moments for granted. At least until I was not able to do it.
2020 has taught me the power of being present, of not taking for granted the moments in between activities/places we think are mundane. One way I have put this into practice is discovering new things on my walks. I take the same route every time and each time I try to notice something new I did not see before. That way, the journey becomes an adventure filled with the enjoyment of new sights. You should also try to notice something new today when you are on a walk, taking a subway ride or when grabbing coffee.
Yes, it was a tough year. Yes, it sucked and was a clusterf*ck. But through it all, we all have survived and learned a lot. We discovered we are strong people and that superheroes do not come in capes but in scrubs and grocery store uniforms. I’m looking forward to 2021, and I believe it has nothing but blessings and wellness for us — WE GOT THIS!
Be kind to yourself.
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